to explain the title its a little line i couldn't put anywhere else.

but that doesn't mean it isn't true. i've been on a streak of a few weeks of extreme and crippling depression. my life just doesn't seem to get better.

it started by being ditched by everyone i call friends for basically an entire weekend. i managed to escape to my aunts house one night but the tohers were spent feeling sorry for myself and wishing i was dead or at least somewhere where people gave a shit about me. after that all my classes just got so much harder and it was the end of the quarter so i had to push myself to pull them up but couldn't make much head way. taking those two things and the fact that i am always tired, and constantly unhappy where i am it had sucked.

for the last month the only good thing i can think of is that at least my mask is better. no one that sees me had any idea that i spend most of my time lost in contemplating suicide or at least dark visions and images. but even this isn't good (besides the whole suicide thing) because whenever it gets so bad i just go to sleep.
sleep is all i have.
whenever i skip my classes to sleep i get farther behind and even miss my after school biking because i feel so worthless. usually when it gets so bad that i really want to just overdose or slit my wrists i call my mom or text basically the only person who still has time to talk to me. he's a nice guy but he is always in school so i basically have to keep myself alive on texts and a will that is slowly wearing thin.
i can't keep doing this.

included is a poem type thing that i thought of when i couldn't think of any better way to tell you people how i feel. (i know basically no one reads these but oh well). but you will notice its similar to a poem i have/ will post.

when i close my eyes
all i see is darkness,
all i feel is heart clenching pain
and all i hear is myself telling myself to breathe
because its all i have left to do
breathe
and the world be ok,
the loneliness will leave one day,
that life will be worth living
but its only thoughts
and its only breathing