so today was a great day. got up and laughed for like an hour before oening presents which turned out to be like everything on my list (basically just music, movies, and Edgar Allen Poe) i downloaded my music and finished just as my grandmother came in. we hung around talking, had a great dinner, then watched White Christmas and an episode of glee

it was great. until my mom started planning my birthday in four months. normal people are usually super excited to turn 17, go to new york, we even got tickets to wicked. amazing right?

yeah that was until she mentioned how i have to get to the airport by my boarding school all on my own at like seven in the morning. i don't mind riding the bus alone or anything. i just mind being at that school

i have spent the last two months straight yelling, berating, crying, and freaking out on my parents about how much i hate my school. like it doesn't help i am obviously unbalanced and everything. but this is getting ridiculous.
the real problem is not the classes (which i love)or the teachers and faculty (i adore them) its the fucking students. now i know that i am severely self centered and i really should just shut the fuck up because there are worse things in life. but i am a fucking suicide case. like LEGIT.
the reason is because those self absorbed kids always coem to me for help with their stupid lives. so i sit with them about hw they bitch about breaking some boys heart, about bad grades, about the latest drama in their own dorm, about everything. for one girl i constantly call our dorm parent and tell them they need help because technically they do but still. they are a fucking drama queen. but is till d it and get ignored by everyone.
for once i want someone to care about me and ask for nothing in return. i do it for them and its about time they repaid me.

but they don't so i hate the place. i tell my parents that i can't stand it because i feel so alone and miserable so she calls me school and just makes it awkward when my teachers question me. i hate it. sometimes i want to hate here but i can't, she's my mom.
but that isn't even the point of this. the point is that i feel so crappy eve on fucking christmas because i know have to go to that hell hole for another five fucking months.

i hope i get swine flu and die. i hope i overdose on drugs. i hope get hit by a car. i hope kat kills ehrself so i don't have to do it for her (the bitch). i hope the world ends just so i don't have to feel because i'm tired of feeling, i'm tired of pain. i want it to end.

thanks for reading even though its a little out of season neh?
but fuck the season. i should be on suicide watch.....

Merry Chrisstmas/ Holidays!!!!

to explain the title its a little line i couldn't put anywhere else.

but that doesn't mean it isn't true. i've been on a streak of a few weeks of extreme and crippling depression. my life just doesn't seem to get better.

it started by being ditched by everyone i call friends for basically an entire weekend. i managed to escape to my aunts house one night but the tohers were spent feeling sorry for myself and wishing i was dead or at least somewhere where people gave a shit about me. after that all my classes just got so much harder and it was the end of the quarter so i had to push myself to pull them up but couldn't make much head way. taking those two things and the fact that i am always tired, and constantly unhappy where i am it had sucked.

for the last month the only good thing i can think of is that at least my mask is better. no one that sees me had any idea that i spend most of my time lost in contemplating suicide or at least dark visions and images. but even this isn't good (besides the whole suicide thing) because whenever it gets so bad i just go to sleep.
sleep is all i have.
whenever i skip my classes to sleep i get farther behind and even miss my after school biking because i feel so worthless. usually when it gets so bad that i really want to just overdose or slit my wrists i call my mom or text basically the only person who still has time to talk to me. he's a nice guy but he is always in school so i basically have to keep myself alive on texts and a will that is slowly wearing thin.
i can't keep doing this.

included is a poem type thing that i thought of when i couldn't think of any better way to tell you people how i feel. (i know basically no one reads these but oh well). but you will notice its similar to a poem i have/ will post.

when i close my eyes
all i see is darkness,
all i feel is heart clenching pain
and all i hear is myself telling myself to breathe
because its all i have left to do
breathe
and the world be ok,
the loneliness will leave one day,
that life will be worth living
but its only thoughts
and its only breathing

alright the title is a bit much but i dunno its been a bad few days. so not only did my ex-roommate who i love have another little cry attack today and has been feeling like shit.
one of my "friends" hit her head last night causing drama and well i am still not a fan.
along with this though i am going on what looks to be the worst biking trip of all time because not only am i the only upperclassman but they are all retarded freshmen who i want to murder.
ok but i guess the thing that drove me to right this was the guy i have liked for likes ages just sort of told me he has a mega crush on one of my best friends here. awkward much? but seriously i get it because i am not pretty or funny compared to this girl. and i know soon enough i won't even like him and it'll all me ok. but it does make me a little happy that she knows i like him and to my knowledge thinks of him only as a friend. because fi they did go out... wow that would be awkward and suck.

but anyway i am just having a rough time because of tons of details i didn't mention because i don't have the time, energy, or heart to write it. so i will be back on saturday or sunday night and since you guys don't read these its ok. i dunno i am seriously contemplating suicide again (not cause the guy, i'm not that much of a sap) but because life has just been going bad to worse and its gets harder to handle.

i'll deal though, i always do even without help

over dramatic title but it has meaning i promise.
so last night at around 10 o'clock i was hanging around with two of my dorm buddies when suddenly one ( my ex-roommate and favorite person at school) mentions suicide. so we all sort of vaguely discuss how hard it was for us at some point and i figured that probably tons of people contemplate it. but of course someone says something ( probably me)and my ex-roommate runs off to her room and we follow her to find ehr crying. so of coruse this one girl who was doing ehr homework in the common room notices and comes in and proceeded to take my spot for comforting her so i can just sit there and do jack shit.

so after a while we start making jokes and the nights gets better. but at some point the girl from the common room finds out my ex-roommate was contemplating 9real or not)
so of course next day she tells the school counselor and her, ex-roommate, and a random friend are 1/2 hour late for class cause having a little talk. ok i know telling the teacher was the right thing but i talked to her and i assumed she could be honest with me, she was even making jokes about having to sit through the little talk. so not only did that make feel left out and annoyed that no one ever notices my pain. But then tonight both the ex-roommate and the girl were like 1/2 an hour late for dorm check cause out in town with the counselor.

so i know its good she had the talk and all the shit but still i wish someone would notice me and help me, and give so fucking attention because i spent the entire day feeling like a fucking loser and lonely one because the only person i actually talked with is this new german girl who is nice but still....
WHY THE FUCK DID I COME BACK???????

this is probably going to be a boring journal so unless your like actually my friend don't bother.
ok first of all the reason i am finally posting one of these is because i felt bad and i felt like i should. but i do have stuff to say i just never get around to it. along with that i enver get around to posting stuff because i was kind of swamped with shit. like i had final projects, actual finals, packing for home, getting home and then i just spazzed on everything.

ok but anyway here is my life for the last few months. alright so i made better friends with a girl in my dorm and we both get left out by some of the other girls alot so when i feel lonely i can just track her down and we have fun together. besides that i nearly went to a different school but i could not find anywhere i wanted or could get into. so i am staying in that hell hole i call school but it will get better and it could be always worse. i tell myself that alot i am still that emo freak on the outside even though i am alot more out there and brighter on the outside.

ok so that was april i guess and then may hit. wow that was a crazy month i ahd spring trip and then suddenly all my projects were due. i had to pack up my room a little bit every weekend and start saying my goodbyes.
what got me though is that people were nearly crying and were so fucking sad. i was kind of pissed because its not like we have known each other that long, 9 months at most, and they were almost crying. its nice that they care but i feel like its fake and its only three months, i nearly cried at my eighth grade last day because i had known most of those people for 9 years so it was explainable.

ok so besides that i got home with some insanity with my father who is crazy!!!! but seriously as little as i get along with my family i love feeling included and loved because even if its just sitting around watching tv and not talking i still feel loved and there. not to mention they don't constantly drive me up the wall, only occasionally like everyone.

oh and i went to an amazing party and holy shit i got smashed. it was really boring until like 6 o'clock when the booze arrived. i didn't get started right away i just had a mikes hard and hung around talking with an old friend Chanda talking about what she had been up to since i saw her last. then it got kind of boring because everyone went out to smoke or something so i decided to do a few shots. i was not the smartest person about ti and did two within like thirty seconds and then five minutes late since i was still bored i tried to some tequilla. so through the night i had a total of 5 shots of of vodka and then two of tequilla. the bad part is that at around 10 i started being extremely drunk and a friend of my friend made me sit with ehr and as i am bi i totally hit on her.
so the adventure is when my mom called to have my brother pick me up in an hour and a half and i had to get sober. i ate lots of bread and walked in circles around the house. it was actually very exciting and i talked to lots of the guys and they were cool. one of them austin who i didn't meet until then was really amazing. anyway i ahve sworn that next tiem i get drunk it will be a boy, maybe austin because i want to mix things up.
i also found out i surprised people because barely no one thought i would hit on a girl.

ok but that is my journal and i swear i did not mean for it to be tha tlong and its pretty stupid but i did warn you.